Kelleys to blow freaking roof off of Lilith Fair!!!!!

It is officially here: Rumored, unconfirmed, confirmed, then, unconfirmed again summer tour dates are here. Since Del Preston is in charge of the tour, these dates can be categorized as speculative at best.

Important Kelley Dates
--June 1st- University of Southwestern Florida (Redds) w Curtis Peoples
--June 3rd- Tentative court date for Del Preston's old lady(keep fingers crossed)
--June 4th- Del Preston community service for unspecified narcotics arrest
--June 5th- Cafeteria of Richmond County High School (meat loaf day)
--June 7th- Opening Act for Kevin Bacon's band at Southwestern Polytechnic State A&M
--June 9th- Special Acoustic Show in Room 104 of the Best Western on Atlanta Hwy in Athens, GA
--June 11th- Nap time at Columbia County's Pre-K School for the Deaf
-- June 15th- Double header starting at TKE house ( make-up show from Buckingham palace show) followed by Last Call performace w Curtis Peoples and special guest, Oliver Peoples
--June 20th- Del Preston's old lady's due date for her love child with Kelley business manager Lou Manheim
--July 9th- Lilith Fair Tour Gainesville, FL University of Florida KA Fraternity House
--July 15th- Talladega Alabama -- Racers Hall w. special appearances by Slim C and Del Preston. Also in attendence, Curtis Peoples.


Del Preston had the following to say: " OK. Ladies and gentlemen, it takes two people to run a concert. One backstage and one out front. Two. One man alone cannot do this. To the left and the right of the stage are the machine gun nests, belt-fed M- Brownings. These babies tend to heat up, so shoot in three-second bursts. In the event of capture, I will personally distribute cyanide capsules, to be placed under the tongue like so. Any questions?"

Betrayal in the Kelley Camp!!!!!!

It breaks our hearts to hear news like this. But here at One of the Lucky Ones, we feel obligated to report the events as they come in to all of the loyal Kelley heads. The news of Del’s old lady being arrested has shocked the Kelley camp. Charlesphan stated that he was geared up to listen to Charles’ new hit “dancing in the rain” after he got off work at the Horny Sailor bar and club, but now it just doesn’t seem right. One thing is for sure, Del has been up to some strange acts since he found out(notice him on top).

After an alleged affair with Senior Business Manager Lou Manheim, Del’s old lady, in an apparent love rage, squandered the bands finances on another Bengal Tiger and extra cyanide pills for the tour bus. Even Del couldn’t comprehend this level of excessive waste. A warrant was promptly filed for her arrest on Monday and the police picked her up outside of Manheims duplex Thursday morning. Manheim had the following to say: “Del’s old lady was like riding an endless bear market. She in not good company anymore. You need to stick to the basics. That is how IBM was built.” He went on to say a few words about One of the Lucky Ones”: “I don’t know where you get your information, but I don’t like it. Quick buck artists come and go with every bull market.”

Needlesss to say, Del and Lou are not on speaking terms. Del did provide a few comments for us, though: “I cont believe that wanka banged mi mum. I am gonna beat him to death with his own shoes.”

Alleged and unconfirmed tour dates are coming soon. A mole inside the Kelley camp says they are hoping to hit Talladega, Alabama, and KA University of Florida soon.

Charlesphan threatened with an ass kickin'

Recent polls show Charlesphan to be the most obnoxious and unintelligent Kelley-Head. While his mindless comments might fly on lesser blogs, there is no room for them on anything Kelley related. Perhaps Wall Street legend Lou Manheim might not be as exciting as Del Preston, atleast not in the eyes of Charlesphan, but Manheim rules Team Kelley with an iron fist. For the most part, Manheim is the reason for the success of the Kelleys. Except for the beating that Manheim threw Richard Nixon after he got off the gold standard, it can be assumed that Charlesphan will receive the worst beating ever thrown to anyone.

Party Boys

One of the Lucky Ones has learned from the Hollywood Reporter that Charles Kelley's entourage was involved in an alleged throw- down in the pre dawn hours of Sunday morning. Some sort of verbal altercation ensued between the Kelley crew and the entourage of Pauly Shore on Hollywood Blvd in front of The Whisky at about 5 AM Sunday morning. Witnesses say that the argument quickly escalated into an all out brawl. An eye witness, who chooses to remain anonymous, said that a massive slap fight broke out. The eyewitness states that Will Allgood AKA Wilson Allgood, said," Pauly, I'm strapped foo. Break yo self!!!" Another witness states that Bo Hancock delivered an astonishing roundhouse kick to Mr. Shore. Carlton Kitchens, known in Hollywood as "Slim C", apparently flashed a KRU gang sign at a member of Mr. Shore's entourage. Mr. Kitchens then proceeded to monkey punch multiple members of the Shore crew into submission. An LA County SWAT team was brought in to break up the melee.

After a long night partying at various Hollywood hotspots, the Kelley crew, notorious for booze, women, and peanut butter sandwiches, found themselves in the pits of the LA County jail. After bailing the crew out of jail, business manager Lou Manheim had this statement for the press: "That Pauly Shore crew has no fundamentals, they're no longer a good company. I'd rather lose all my equity when my firm goes belly up than be involved with them. That bunch is going to hell faster than when that bum Roosevelt was in charge."

At the time of report, Del Preston's whereabouts were unknown.

WWIII?

More breaking news from the Kelley Camp: long time Wall Street player, Lou Manheim has been hired by Team Kelley as business manager. Mr. Manheim, known for strict fiscal policy, recently left the investment bank Jackson, Steinham after a forty year career. Although the grumblings may be premature, there has been speculation that tour manager Del Preston is extremely upset with the hiring. Preston, known somewhat as a nutbar, had been handling the Kelley finances, but squandered most of the Kelley Tour profits on a large bengal tiger for the tour bus. Included below is a profile of Manheim.




Likes: Fundamentals, the gold standard, Grey's Anatomy, track 5 of 2 the 9s by Charles Kelley, Amazing by Josh Kelley

Dislikes: junk bonds, Ponzi schemes, losing your equity when your firm goes belly up, Richard Nixon, when the country is going to hell, and stories about Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon

2 the 9's

As the above scenario shows, this was a match made in heaven. Del, the high powered rock legend, and soon to be famous rock legend, Charles Kelley, share stories of the good old days, their old ladies, and silly rumors circulating the clubs of Stains, Britain and Columbia County, Georgia.

Below is a quick excerpt from one of their most recent heart to hearts (notice the slightly bored look on Charles’ face as he has heard this story a few too many times):

"So there, I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town. So, we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeeper and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really, but sure enough I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show."

Its Sir Charles To You

After hearing a Charles Kelley bootleg tape entitled "Live from Last Call, Athens, GA", Queen Elizabeth II insisted upon a live performance from Charles for her 80th birthday party. Although the performance was strictly private, confirmed sources from inside Buckingham Palace state that the Queen actually fainted when Charles dedicated his 2006 World Tour to her majesty. After the performance, Charles was knighted Sir Charles, to join the ranks of musician knights such as Paul McCartney and Elton John. It was a last second decision to head to London says tour manager Del Preston. "Charles flew straight from mideast negotiations to the Classic City for a sold out performance at upstairs Tasty World and had to turn around and fly straight out again. He had to cancel another sold out show at the TKE fraternity house in Athens to perform for her majesty. But we will make up that show definitely."

Uniting the World

While there continues to be escalating turbulence between Israel and Palestine, it is clear that they can all agree on one thing: the Kelley’s are here to stay. In fact, younger brother, Charles, is making his first landmark trip to the holy city of Jerusalem where he hopes to calm a possible holy war by serenading the Israeli government with classics such as “One of the Lucky Ones.” Older brother, Josh, will have an even greater task ahead of him when he performs in the West Bank of the Gaza strip next month in front of Palestinian and Hamas fans. Could these two be the answer to a possible Palestinian Infantada?

Separated At Birth: The Sequel

Josh Kelley and David Copperfield?? Could they all join forces to create a mighty Kelley triumvirate?

Augusta's Elite

Please, Bring Charles Home!

Can anyone help us find the young man on the right? He has been missing from Columbia County for 2 months. Last seen donning a green blazer and hanging out with guys not sporting pig tails. We fear he may be confused and lost. Possible whereabouts: Band parties in Athens, GA, upstairs Tasty World, the San Fernando Valley, or on stage at Surrey Tavern. If anyone has any information please contact the Augusta Tribunal at 706-414-5555 or whereischaresl@augustatribunal.com

fuck, this guy is legit!

Okay, I may be a bit guilty of "player hating" here. Please look at this girl Josh is with. Best known for her work on the smash hit, Gray's Anatomy, Katie became the object of my obsession in her role as Nicole in the 90's classic "My father the Hero." I have spent countless hours of alone time thinking of her and was responsible for several vaselene deficiencies at my local CVS; all thanks to her.

Once again, the power of sweet songs prevails.

Can somone please help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me? Here I am, trying to patronize a man that gets much hotter ass than me, is nicer than me, and donates far more to charity than me. What has been my contribution to the world? Writing some silly blog that acts as a vehicle to make me feel better about myself. This is sad. I am going to work on being a better person and leave this blog business to the professionals.



Nice Chest hair, you gorilla! Yeah Yeah, button that shirt up--you are scaring people. Hey, get back to the zoo! Freeeaaak!!!!!


....confused fan

Another Story All Together

BREAKING NEWS from the Charles Kelley camp, long time rock and roll icon, Del Preston, has joined the tour as Tour Manager. After hearing Charles' sound, Preston came out of a more than 20 year retirement. Preston, best known for his work with Jeff Beck, Ozzy Osbourne, and Bob Dylan, said," Its going to be me, my old lady, Charles, and the road." Needless to say, Kelley fans are ecstatic with the news.

Pictured above: Del's Old Lady and Del Preston

Another Satisfied Customer!

Oh, My God, like this was one of the best nights of my life. Just think, two days ago I was finishing up graduation from East Cobb High, and here I am now with the two hottest guys in the world. I can't decide which one I like better. But they're both definitely hotter than guy I liked last week, Wayne Newton. On one hand Josh's undersweater is really sexy. I think it would keep me warm in the winter. On the other hand, what Charles doesn't have on the chest he makes up for on the face. They are like a couple of Barbarians....barbarians that sing really sweet songs to girls and steal their hearts. ahhhhhhh one day, Misty, one day.......

I think I was the inspiration for Charles' mega hit "What a Day." Check the lyrics below:

Baby girl, you feel incredible, look so edible, taste so wonderful, Baby girl, you feel incredible, Look so edible, taste so wonderful. Well you must’ve known I was coming home, You had the candles lit and your Barry White music on, Black leather cat suit, it was such a surprise, When you stared me down with those deep blue bedroom eyes


does this make me a slut?

On the road again...

As I'm sure all of you know, it's that special time of year when the Kelley bros. hit the road and "get a tourin, wooooo!" Life has been good to the brothers recently and it has afforded the guys a little time to "goof around" during sound check. You can see guitarist Bob Sagat hanging off the tour bus.


But sometimes fate finds a way to rear its ugly head. Recently the tour bus broke down in San Fernandino on the way to a huge concert scheduled in Juan's Tequila Bar in Mexico. Juan proved not to be "one of the lucky ones" as a riot was said to have broken out at the bar when the Kelleys missed their tour date with customers complaining for their dollar back. No new shows have been scheduled....

dresses and tutus...hmmmmmmm?

The boys have never been affraid to show their true colors, and that is one of the things I like the most about them. They scream "BE YOURSELF!" This constant theme has been an inspiration to me and many others. I have come to hear that the Kelley brothers (which I will now refer to as the brothers) are creating a lot of buzz in the ultra sheik German Industrial scene. Quite a far cry from KRU! GO GETEM! V Duuub

Sidenote: Also note the continuation of the working relationship between the genius, Bob Rizzo, and the Kelley boys. Hopefully for us, the relationship will continue to mature. Bob Rizzo is the brain behind the lesser known Flip Flop and Roll, as well as a multitude of theatrical productions in the former East Germany. It is rumored in Hollywood, that his East German productions such as "Long Live the Proletariat", " The Karl Marx Follies", and "Dance All Night (Under the Shadow of the Berlin Wall)" might grace the silverscreen in the US, or perhaps the stages of New Brunswick, NJ.

Separated At Birth?

Charles and David Bowie?

Flip Flop and Roll

After thoroughly researching the billboard charts from the early 90's, it appears that Charles Kelley attempted to enter the music world under the tutelage of Bob Rizzo. Unfortunately, Flip Flop and Roll was not deemed a commercial success, although it did receive its 5 minutes of fame when one song from the album actually aired on Alaskan a.m. radio in late 1993. Quote the late great Bob Rizzo," That Kelley kid has got it." And at this point, I think I can safely say that Bob was damn right.

Brokeback

I

Is that a gram?

Exerpt from the March edition of "Tiger Beat" magazine...

Kurt Loder, the author of the recently released highly controversial unauthorized biography of Charles Kelley, joins us today. The book is ravaging its way up the New York Times best seller list, though it seems to be written in an obsolete vernacular.

TB:While it is generally known that Charles Kelley is a average run of the mill finance major, your new book, "The second coming of Jim Morrison: The early years of Charles Kelley" presupposes that he isn't. Could you please explain this?

Kurt: Well, popular opinion has never been based on hard fact. You know, truth be told, I'm really not that into their music. However, am I aware they're making music-yes. Do I respect that- yes. It is true that the Kelley brothers might portray themselves as confused kids from Columbia county, but that doesn't say anything about the music they create. It seems as though any mention of the Kelley brothers inevitable turns into a discussion involving the pros and cons of donning a green blazer at social functions and I think that is really sad. I'm out to prove maybe that isn't necessary, but let me stress maybe.

TB:When one thinks of rock and roll icons, names such as Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, and Elvis Pressley come to mind. Is Charles ready to make the leap to the top tier of rock legends from the second tier among the likes of Jupiter Coyote and the Red Belly band?

Kurt: Absolutely, Charles is ready for the next step. You can really tell that Charles' esteemed brother, rock and roll legend, whatever his name is Kelley, has been a driving force behind Charles. In an endless game of leap frog, the motivation encouraged by the brother will surely enable the band to reach the next level. You can't deny his charisma. When I first saw him strut onto the stage it reminded me of a Santa Claus in a department store at christmas time. He totally demanded your attention. It was like he was informing you to strap yourself in and hang on for dear life, because you were about to go on one hell of a ride.

....recent interview with MTV legend, Kurt Loder

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